Why Sex Before Marriage Hurts Women

Modern culture tells us that it is a great development that women are free to sleep with whomever they want whenever they want.  Statistics show that in the United States, only 3% of individuals make it to their wedding night as virgins (1).  With all of this “free love” floating around, no one stops to count the cost.  For women in particular, there are huge risks: unplanned pregnancies thus causing them to have to sacrifice their life goals, contracting lifelong diseases, and having their hearts broken, just to name a few.  I know this is much longer than my usual posts.  However, this is a very sensitive topic, so I wanted to make sure that I was thorough by giving you detailed reasons why sex before marriage hurts women. 

1. You risk getting pregnant or contracting an STD.

The fact is, no form of birth control is 100% effective at preventing either pregnancy or STD’s.Companies love to state that their birth control is 99% effective when used perfectly.  The problem is that we’re humans and we don’t do anything perfectly!  How often do you forget to take your vitamins, after all?  A study was done showing how often couples in real life get pregnant each year even when using birth control (2).

• Birth Control Pill: 9 out of 100
• Birth Control Patch: 9 out of 100
• Birth Control Ring: 9 out of 100
• Birth Control Shot: 6 out of 100
• Male Condom: 18 out of 100
• Diaphragm: 12 out of 100
• Female Condom: 22 out of 100
• Fertility Awareness: 24 out of 100
• Spermicide: 29 out of 100
• Withdrawal or Pulling Out: 27 out of 100
• Morning After Pill (a form of very early abortion): 11 out of 100

Although the male condom is the most effective form of birth control for preventing STD’s, the Center for Disease Control reported, “Consistent and correct use of the male latex condom reduces the risk of sexually transmitted disease (STD) and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) transmission. However, condom use cannot provide absolute protection against any STD. The most reliable ways to avoid transmission of STDs are to abstain from sexual activity, or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. However, many infected persons may be unaware of their infection because STDs often are asymptomatic and unrecognized.“ (3) 

2. It takes away a man’s motivation to marry you.

In 2019, 75% of women under the age of 30 say that they have cohabited (lived with a partner who they’re not married to).  Nearly 1 in 5 became pregnant within the first year of cohabitation, and 27% of the women separated from their partner without ever having married them (4). 

Have you ever heard the saying, “Why buy the ice cream truck when they’re giving away the popsicles for free?”  I have had so many women complain to me that their guy isn’t sealing the deal.  They’ve been living together for years on end, and the guy still won’t marry her.  Why?  Because she gave away her bargaining chip!  A guy has absolutely no incentive to marry a woman when she’s already giving him everything he wants!

When a guy is desperate for a girl, he is more apt to move toward marriage than he would be if she is giving him sex or if she moves in with him (obviously, the couple should be basing the decision to marry on much more than just the desire for sex!).  

Many guys will say, “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.”  However, if the guy loves you, he should be willing to give you commitment before he gets your body.  There is nothing more selfish than for a guy to put your heart, future, and health on the line in exchange for a few minutes of pleasure.   

3. Getting stuck in a bad relationship.

When a couple has sex outside of marriage, it creates a premature bond.  Unless the couple has gone through books or counselling on what questions to ask before getting married, then they are probably basing their decision to be a couple more on physical attractions and romantic feelings than because they are a good match for one another.  I have heard couples openly admit that they have no idea how the two of them ended up together.  They have nothing in common, and basically live like roommates whose paths rarely cross.  The reason for this was because they formed a bond with one another too early, so they stopped being objective when they were evaluating the relationship.  

Women can rarely have sex with a man without forming a bond with him.  It makes sense.  You’re essentially saying, “I love you enough to allow you to potentially create a new being inside me in your likeness.”(5)  Men can have sex without forming a bond as easily, but that doesn’t mean that there are no consequences.  For more on this, check out my blog entitled, “Why Sex Before Marriage Is So Destructive for Guys.” 

4. It protects your heart from being used and discarded.

Many men are like hunters who enjoy the conquest, but quickly lose interest once the chase is over. It is not an uncommon tale to be told that a girl will give herself to a guy, only to have him turn around and break up with her shortly thereafter. His only goal was to get sex, not to have a relationship with her.

Guys like this may have the tendency to only come around when they want to “hook up”. Don’t fool yourselves girls. Guys like this are not your knight in shining armor, but are selfish guys who will leave you as soon as someone else more interesting comes along.

The women I know who have had premarital sex have deep regrets.  They often say to me, “Where were you when I was in my dating years!  I would have given anything for someone to have told me this!  I thought that he would be there for me forever, but I was hugely mistaken!”

5. Your life goals will be instantly derailed if you get pregnant before you’re married.

I think that most women would tell you that their main goals in life are:

• To have a long-lasting, happy, and fulfilled marriage. 
• To have children.
• To have work that they enjoy, whether it’s in the home or out of the home.

However, if you get pregnant before you’re married, these are what your options will likely be:

I. Raise the baby yourself and stay with the guy… that is, if he doesn’t leave you first.

If the guy is a good guy, this will probably be the best option.  However, if he’s not a good guy, this is going to set you up for a lifetime of misery!  You’re hitching your start to an unruly wagon, and who knows where it will go!  You might not have even figured out if the two of you are a good match yet, but now you’re between a rock and a hard place.  No decision you make is going to be a “good” one.  Scenarios like this often end in divorce for that reason. 

Girls always think that if they get pregnant that their guy will have their back.  I’m sad to say that this is often a wrong assumption.  Today, 1 in 4 children are being raised without a father, and 49.5% of those cases are because the guy never married the mother, not because of a divorce or from being widowed (6).

II. Raise the baby yourself and separate from the guy.

To raise a child by yourself is an extremely difficult task that most women will not be able to handle by alone.  She will either need government assistance, family assistance, or assistance from the father of the baby. 

She may have had a plan for her education and future career that she may have to abandon, thus greatly reducing her earning potential.  Childcare ranges greatly based upon the state, from the cheapest in Mississippi at $4,822/year to the most expensive in Washington D.C. at $22,631/year (7).  If you aren’t already established in a well-paying job, which most single mothers are not, then the majority of your income will be eaten up just in childcare costs. 

Most single mothers are unable to work for long periods of time, either due to the pregnancy, the recovery from the delivery, or simply because the infant needs its mama.  In 2019, 25.9% of single-mothers were jobless throughout the entire year. 

There are tons of reasons why children will cause her to miss work: school cancellations, holidays, teacher’s conference days, and the summer holiday.  You should know that if your child is sick, the daycare will not take them, so you will have to miss work or school.    

You can see why 34% of all single-mothers live below the poverty line, and only a third of single mothers receive child support.  The average amount of child support received is a measly $430 a month.  This causes 27.8% of single mothers to be worried about where their next meal is coming from (5).  It has been my opinion for a very long time that single moms have one of the toughest lots in life. 

III. Put the baby up for adoption. 

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to carry a baby for 9 months, go through the agony of delivery, hold the precious baby in your arms, and then give the child away to someone else.  It may be what she has to do, but it doesn’t mean that it will not hurt her heart tremendously.  It also causes the child to always wonder, “Why didn’t my parents want me?” 

IV. Get an abortion. 

Abortion may seem like a “quick fix”, but trust me:  ending the life of your child is not something that you want to do.  The women I know who have had abortions have an ache in their hearts that they will never recover from.  They mentally count back and figure out how old the child would be today, and how many precious moments they have missed.  They feel ashamed of their actions, and wish they hadn’t done it.  They wonder what life would be like if they had chosen differently.  They also have an ache that goes deep into their souls and can’t forgive themselves because they feel they don’t deserve to be forgiven for their actions.

I beg each and every one of you to not turn to this option, but to prevent this from happening by choosing not to risk getting pregnant.  If you save sex for the wedding day, you will never have to worry about being put in this situation.  

Girls, count your virginity as a precious jewel.  Choose to view it as a sacred gift that will only be bestowed upon the man who is willing to stand in front of all of his friends and family, and declare his undying love and devotion to you.  You deserve so much more than a man who will use your body for his entertainment and then leave you with a broken heart. 

Some of you may have heavy hearts as you read this article, because for you it is too late to save your virginity, or you may have already had an abortion.  To those of you in this situation, I would ask you this: if you burned your hand on a hot stove, would you say to yourself, “I’m already scarred now.  I may as well keep on getting burned.  It won’t make a difference anyway!”  No!  You would figure out where you went wrong and do your best not to make that mistake again in the future.

There’s a beautiful story in the Bible about this.  In Jesus’ time, a person caught having sex outside of marriage was to be stoned (killed by a crowd throwing rocks at them).  Well, a woman was brought to him who had been caught in the act of adultery.  The crowd had stones in their hands, and were ready to kill her.  Jesus said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.”  Slowly, each person dropped their stone and walked away.  Jesus then asked her, “Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?” When she replied that there was no one there to condemn her, he replied, “Then neither do I condemn you.  Now go and leave your life of sin.” -John 8:3-11

This is the attitude that we should have toward our sins.  Acknowledge that they truly are sins, ask God to forgive us, and then, with His help, go and sin no more.  God doesn’t tell us not to do things because He’s some sort of a cosmic kill-joy.  He is trying to guide us down a path that will give us the happiest, most fulfilled life.  We can choose to ignore His commands and advice not to do such things, but when we do so, we also choose the consequences of our own behavior. 

References:

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17236611
• https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/bc-chart.html
• https://www.cdc.gov/condomeffectiveness/brief.html
• https://www.livescience.com/28420-cohabiting-marriage-cdc-report.html
• https://www.lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/contraception-cracking-the-myths
• https://singlemotherguide.com/single-mother-statistics/
• https://www.cnbc.com/2018/07/06/how-much-child-care-costs-in-every-state-in-america.html