Top 7 Parenting Mistakes that Make Discipline Ineffective

“How many times do I have to tell you not to do that before you’re going to finally cut it out?!”  We’ve all been there.  The times when you feel like, no matter how hard you try, your kids are going to misbehave.  Nothing you do seems to work!  Every time you think you’ve got your kids figured out, a new behavior pops up that sends you reeling all over again! 

Parenting is tough stuff, and not for the faint of heart.  Many parents have very good intentions to discipline their children well, but get tripped up by these common mistakes.  We’ve all done them at one time or another, so there’s no judgment if you find yourself stuck in one of these ruts yourself.  However, the first step to fixing a problem is recognizing that the problem exists.  So, if you’re ready to roll up your sleeves and dig in, here we go!

1. Ol’ Yeller

If you get to the point where you have to start yelling, then you’ve already lost.  One of the things that my mama used to tell me when I would get to peak frustration with my kids was this: “Laura, you’re being too patient.  You need to start disciplining the kids much sooner, because you’re letting anger build up in your heart towards them.”  This was a truly novel concept to me because I felt like “too patient” was the last description that I would have used to describe myself!  I felt like a pot that was boiling over! 

I came to realize that I had a strong sense of justice-something that I think we all have deep down.  We know when someone is getting away with bad behavior and it is absolutely infuriating!  When we feel that our children are constantly getting away with murder, it absolutely will make you feel angry.  The sooner you address the issue, the sooner you can let it go and move on. 

Don’t let anger build up in your heart and infect your relationship with your children.  It’s far worse to have a chronically angry, resentful parent than to have a parent who disciplines because they love the child enough to fashion their character into a kind, respectful, obedient person.   

2. The Idle Threatener

These types of parents are full of talk with little action to back it up.  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard parents yelling at their kids in the grocery store to “Cut it out!”  You hear them going up and down the isles hissing at their kids every two seconds, scolding them endlessly while the child happily goes about doing whatever he pleases.  Parents who yell at their kids endlessly without any action behind their words, end up sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown: “Wa wa wa-wa, wa wa wa.”  The kid pays absolutely no attention to them because they don’t have to. 

This is the type of parent who will threaten to give a punishment but really has no intention of following through… and the kid knows it.  They give warning after warning, but really don’t want to have to implement a punishment.

Remedy:

Don’t make idle threats.  If you give your child an instruction, they should know that there will absolutely be a consequence if they choose to disobey.  Children will lose all respect for a parent who is full of hot air.  As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” 

Once a child knows what they should or should not be doing in a certain situation, there’s no need to give them a pass for disobeying.  The only thing that giving them three warnings accomplishes, is that the child learns that they can get away with being bad the first two times!  A child needs to know that disobedience will never be tolerated under any circumstances. 

3. “You’re Grounded for LIFE!!!”

If you can’t think of a good punishment to give, then be vague.  Say something like, “I’m going to talk to Daddy, and we’ll decide together what your punishment will be.  Until then, you can go to your room.”  Often times, the time that the child is anxiously waiting to hear how they will be punished is worse than the punishment itself! 

If you do make a mistake and threaten a poor consequence, simply tell the child that you have changed your mind about what their punishment will be, and tell them what their new consequence will be. 

Make sure the punishment is big enough that it “hurts”.  If the punishment doesn’t mean anything to them, then you can absolutely count on the behavior reoccurring.  Does the city give you a .50 parking ticket?  No!  They give you a $400 one!  If the offence doesn’t hurt, it’s not a deterrent!

4. Ignore, ignore, ignore, EXPLODE!!! 

Parents who do this are in avoidance mode.  They don’t really want to get up off the couch and actually deal with their kid.  Eventually, the pot will come to a boiling point, and they will lash out with an over-the-top punishment. 

Here’s the problem with this type of parenting:  It creates an unhappy parent, a naughty child, and a volatile household.  The same behavior that wasn’t corrected 10 times before is now suddenly unacceptable. 

Remedy:

Keep short accounts with your kids.  Don’t keep a laundry list of offences that you are upset about in your heart.  Deal with each offence as it comes up, and never let them get away with naughty behavior. 

The more you try to avoid dealing with drama, the more drama you will have in the long run.  You’ll simply end up with bratty kids who you are resentful of, and that’s no way to live!  Deal with each behavior problem immediately, no matter where you are.  The consequence can be given at a later time, but they should know that it is absolutely coming! 

5. Not-on-the-same-page parents: 

When parents don’t agree about how to handle their children, what ends up happening is that the children become master manipulators.  They know how to pit their parents against each other in order to get what they want.  The child will think: “Mom allows this, so I’ll ask her instead of Dad.” or “Dad disagrees with Mom’s rule, so I can get away with this when he’s around.”  This is a recipe for a resentful marriage and naughty kids! 

Remedy:

Parents need to come to an agreement about what the household rules will be so they can be a united front.  If there’s a disagreement, it should never be discussed in front of the kids.  Kids are not a jury, and should not be used to decide who’s right! 

Ladies, if you want your man to be the leader that God made him to be, then you need to yield when you can’t agree.  A household divided cannot stand.  Guys, it’s your job to be loving to your wife, so be reasonable and don’t make impossible rules that she has to implement when you’re a work. 

6. Good cop, bad cop: 

One parent should not always be the disciplinarian.  It’s too easy for the at-home parent to be seeing red after a hard day, and to overreact or not be objective.  Sometimes we need a break from being the disciplinarian. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have been spinning my wheels, trying to correct the same behavior over and over again, yet my husband comes home and is able to stop the behavior in it’s tracks simply by speaking sternly to the children one time!  They need to know that you are a united front and will back each other up no matter what.   

7. Not-my-kid Parents:

This is the type of parent who does not hold their children accountable for their actions when they are informed that their child is misbehaving. They tend to blame their child’s naughty behavior on circumstances (tiredness, hunger, etc.), their teacher, or another child. While this might be appropriate when they’re infants, we should be careful not to carry it too long, and allow our kids to behave like big babies!

Everyone can have underlying reasons why they are irritable, but those reasons aren’t free passes to be used as an excuse for bad behavior. This is a concept that must be modeled by us as adults, which isn’t always easy.

However, if we don’t hold our kids accountable when they do wrong, they will eventually turn into adults who will learn that it’s okay to have bad behavior and then come up with an excuse for it later on.

Remedy: 

It can be really hard to swallow your pride and admit that you’re not a perfect parent with perfect children.  However, if we’re honest, don’t we all know that about each other anyway?  You’ll earn more respect from your family and friends if you simply respond with, “I will absolutely deal with this behavior.” 

After that, the child should be disciplined and, if appropriate, should apologize for their behavior to the person they transgressed against.  They need to know that their actions have consequences.  The person who was offended also needs hear an apology and to be given a chance to tell the child that they forgive them. 

This is training for life.  If you don’t teach your kids to be accountable for their bad behavior, to apologize, and learn to mend hurt feelings, then they will have a trail of broken relationships wherever they go.  This is a life skill that will cost them big time if they don’t develop it. 

The fact of the matter is that our kids are sinful people just like everyone else.  It’s our job as parents to try to train their nature toward good, because they simply won’t do it themselves. 

Always follow up discipline with love, and explain why their behavior hurts others or themselves.  We often say, “I love you too much to let you grow up into a child who _____ (says hurtful things to other people) (hurts others when they’re angry) or (treats others disrespectfully). 

If we don’t give them consequences for their bad behavior, the world will… and the world’s consequences will hurt a lot worse!  We train them because we love them enough to keep them from going down a path that will lead them to unhappiness in the future, not because we’re sadistic and enjoy torturing small things.  Do your best to correct them because you love them, and are keeping a long-term perspective in mind.