How to Teach Your Kids to Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way

In my previous article, “Arguing in Front of the Kids: Is it Every Okay?”, we discussed why arguing in front of children is problematic. However, many parents wonder how to teach their children to resolve conflict when the children aren’t “seeing” them work through the arguments. In this article, we’ll discuss 7 tips that will help you train your children to resolve conflict in a healthy way.

First of all, when parents don’t display bad behavior, they are teaching their children! They’re showing them what not to do just as much as we are showing them what to do.

Secondly, teaching them how to resolve conflict when it is personal to them is much more effective than teaching them in an abstract way. It is much more meaningful to them when they are toe to toe with a sibling or friend to have a parent step in coach them through the argument, and show them how to resolve the conflict without blood hitting the floor.

Here are some of the the things that my husband and I tell our kids when they are in the midst of an argument:

1. Your tone of voice and body language say more than your words do.

You can correct someone or tell them that you’re not pleased with them in a way that is respectful and kind, even if you’re firm. If your kids speak to their sibling in a disrespectful, rude way, then show them how they could have said it in a kinder way. Model for them which words and tone they should use and have them copy you. You will find that after you show them several times how to do it appropriately, eventually they will begin to speak nicely the first time.

2. People can’t read your mind:

I always tell the kids, “You have to tell them nicely that you don’t appreciate something first. If they don’t listen, then you have cause to be upset, but don’t go straight to yelling when you haven’t asked them politely the first time.”

3. Yelling isn’t okay:

Yelling is often a sign of frustration because someone doesn’t feel heard. I tell our kids, “If your sibling doesn’t listen to you the first time, then you need to come to me, and I will deal with it. What isn’t okay is for you to yell and scream at your sister. You don’t like being yelled at, so don’t do it to others. It’s not your job to discipline them; that’s my job. But when you start being rude and yelling, then I have to deal with you too. Just let me handle them, and it will be over.”

4. Tell them how you feel:

It’s important for them to express how they are feeling in a healthy way. Teach them to say, “I feel so frustrated when I ask you to stop and you ignore me. That makes me feel mad, and I don’t want to be with you when you treat me that way.” This can be much more effective than when they yell, “Stop it!! You’re so annoying!”

5. Your perspective is not the only thing that matters… others matter too!

The most effective thing that I do with our girls is that I ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned. I use the same situation that they are in and ask them how they would feel if the other person did to them what they are doing. I always love that wisdom from the Bible ends up being the very thing that is a game-changer. This concept comes straight from Matt. 7:12, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”

Learning to mentally put oneself in another person’s shoes is a very important life skill to develop in children, one that will serve them well for the rest of their lives. The more you teach them to stop and think about how other people may be feeling, the more empathy, compassion, sympathy, and understanding they will develop.

6. Teach them to take turns:

This may sound off-topic, but I have to say that it is the biggest source of arguments in our home. Someone wants a toy, the other person doesn’t want to give it up, and a screaming, tug-of-war ensues. We teach them to ask the person for a turn nicely first, and if the person says no, then they either go set a 5-minute timer themselves or they ask an adult to set the timer for them. This pretty much takes care of any arguments over toys in a simple formula where both people feel that things are fair.

7. Teach them to apologize and forgive

If you think back on arguments that you still have hurt feelings about, I bet that there is one common element. The person never sincerely apologized. Teaching your kids to sincerely apologize is one of the most important relationship lessons that they will ever learn. Without it, they will likely have broken relationships that will never be mended.

Once a child can see that they themselves would be upset if someone had done the very thing that they just did, the natural response is to feel bad about their actions. Tell them that they need to say that they’re sorry for: hurting the other person’s feelings, for being selfish, etc. Immediately instruct the other person to say, “I forgive you” and for them to hug each other. Both of their hearts need this in order for them to truly let things go and move on. The earlier you start, the easier and more commonplace it will be for them.