It starts out subtly: “I want milk.” Three words… no big deal, right? They’re only 2 years-old, for goodness sake! Before you know it, that child has turned into a teen who has a demanding, condescending attitude. You ask yourself, “Where did this come from?! How did I end up with a teen whose every word drips with contempt! Where did I go wrong?”
Teaching a child to be respectful is one of the most important lessons that you will ever teach them, and their success in life may very well depend upon how well they learn the lesson. After all, how harmonious will a person’s relationships be when they have learned to be condescending, rude, demanding, and to have an entitled attitude? How well will they do in the work force if they have never learned to respect authority figures and to follow directions?
So many young adults approach the work force with an attitude that they can put out the bare minimum and should be paid top dollar for it. That’s just not how the world works! Bosses expect to be obeyed without argument, to receive high quality work, and for it to be done in a timely manner. They don’t have to put up with people who question their every move, are disrespectful, and don’t perform well. They will simply fire them and hire someone who knows how to behave. It’s our job as parents to prepare our children for this. Of course, we mix all of this with love, but their bosses won’t.
Children who don’t respect their parents will struggle with authority figures their entire lives. Teaching a child to be respectful will help them to be happier in their relationships, will make the home more peaceful, and their lives more successful.
So how do we do this thing, you may be thinking? It’s a lofty goal! You will have days where you want to pull out your hair and scream, because it really is that difficult. Here’s a hug from me, and a pat on the back. You can do this! It’s hard, but it is worth it! Let’s dig in together!
1. Keep a Long-Term Perspective.
Training children is tough stuff, and not for the faint-of-heart. It takes persistence, diligence, and a long-term perspective; it’s not something that happens over night. People ask me in the grocery store, “How did you get such well-behaved, sweet kids!” I usually reply with a smirk, “Oh, it’s because I train them like dogs!” They laugh, and I go on to explain that consistency is the secret sauce. When training kids, you have to be even more consistent and diligent as you are when you train a dog. Kids treat getting away with bad behavior like it’s playing the lottery. If they ever win once, they will keep playing!
Babies cry to get what they want, and it can be a really hard transition to go from crying to using words. It usually starts with, “I want milk.” This is where you role up your sleeves and start the training. You teach them to say instead, “May I please have some milk?” They can do it, I promise you! My littles often turned, “May I please” into one word “Mae-ai-pee”.
When you teach them from day 1 to ask politely for things, eventually, it turns into a habit. When they are allowed to be demanding, that too becomes a habit. Yes, you are going to correct them on this about a million and a half times. Trust me, though! One day, you are going to wake up, and they will ask politely the first time. Do a happy dance, and praise them! Your training is working!
2. Tone of voice matters!
Many times, children have valid reasons for questioning their parents, but they go about in a rude and disrespectful way. We were struggling with a sassy child several years ago. Our pastor, Dan Kasey, advised us to tell the child what her tone of voice was conveying. For instance, when they ask with a whiny, disrespectful tone, “Why did you put my books away? I was still using them!” You can tell them what they’re actually conveying is, “You’re such an idiot! You should have known that I wasn’t done!” You may have to show them how they can ask the same question, but to say it in a way that is respectful. For instance, they could reword the previous question and instead say, “Mom, I noticed that you cleared my books, but I was still working. Can I still work here, or should I move to a different room?” Often times, if you show them the respectful version, and then allow them a do-over, they will start to learn to speak politely the first time.
3. Insist on immediate obedience… or else.
Our culture has gotten away from being a “Yes, ma’am” culture, and that’s a shame. My Bible teacher, Mr. Howe, once said, “Obedience that isn’t immediate isn’t obedience at all.” It’s so true. Many parents allow their children to delay, act like they have forgotten, didn’t hear them, argue with them, or to simply defy them and not do what they have asked. If my children don’t answer me, I will say, “Please acknowledge that you have heard me.” I find, “Yes, ma’am” to be a bit formal, so I ask them to acknowledge me by saying, “Okay, mommy.”
There are times when a delay in obedience may be acceptable, but they have to ask for permission first. “Mom, do you mind if I finish watching this show before I do that? There are only 8 minutes left.” If that’s not reasonable, then explain to them the why… “Sorry, supper’s ready, and I need you to set the table now. You can finish your show after supper.”
However, they don’t need to have the reason all the time. You don’t owe them an explanation. Sometimes they just need to obey. Parents are in charge and don’t need to justify their every instruction to their kids, just like a boss doesn’t need to justify every instruction to his employees. Imagine how inefficient that would be. Learning to obey immediately not only makes for a more peaceful home, but sets expectations for interactions with authorities throughout their lives.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Parents who bluster will lose the respect of their children. It’s easy to fly off the handle and yell, “That’s it! You’re grounded for LIFE!” However, that type of behavior teaches your children that you are a hot head whose rulings will change with your mood. Instead, you and your spouse should discuss what an appropriate punishment should be. (If you don’t have a spouse, ask someone you respect for their advice and what type of punishment they found to be effective for their children.)
It’s easy to have your emotions running high when disciplining your kids. Taking time to consult your spouse is a good way to have checks and balances. They can either validate your take on the situation, or help you to realize that maybe your initial reaction is harsher than the crime. You don’t want to over-react; however, under-reacting can cause the behavior to continue.
5. Put an end to the Great Debate.
Having a child who is sure that they are right all the time can be very challenging. It can be hard to balance allowing their arguments to be heard without allowing them to be disrespectful of your authority. If you let them, they can easily get into the habit of whining, cajoling, manipulating, or simply being defiant towards you.
We struggled with this with one of our daughters, and here’s what worked for us. We sat her down and explained that this was how we were going to handle disagreements. It was very similar to how they handle things in a court room. When there is a disagreement, we will allow her to make her case and explain respectfully everything that she wants us to know…. once. After that, we will consider everything and come up with a “ruling”. Once we have done that, the debate is over. If she continues to argue back with us, she is being disrespectful, and she will be given a punishment for her behavior. This worked very well for us. She felt that she was being heard, and that her opinion was being taken into account. However, she also learned that we are in charge, not her.
6. Inspire respect
Parents who model disrespect toward others will raise children who grow up to behave in a like manner. Do you speak to your spouse or children with a rude, snarky tone of voice? Do you go behind your spouse’s back and manipulate situations to get your way? Do you fly off the handle over small issues? If so, then you are teaching your children that this behavior is acceptable in your home. Be sure that you don’t have a double standard and an attitude of “Do as I say, not as I do.”