How a couple approaches arguments can be a “make-it or break-it” issue. A couple can be getting along very well, but the second they have a disagreement, the gloves come off! However, couples who have a healthy understanding of what should or should not happen in an argument are much more likely to have a happy, harmonious relationship.
Arguments are traumatic, and can leave emotional scars for years. However, the trauma can be minimized when couples agree ahead of time what the “rules of engagement” are. These are my top 10 behaviors to avoid in the midst of an argument.
1. Don’t be a “right fighter”
Winning the argument is not the goal. The goal is to try to understand why the other person is upset, and figure out a way to do things differently in order to have harmony and peace in the relationship.
I have seen many families who wear “being right” as a badge of honor. It’s as if there is a household competition to see who is right most often, and to be wrong means that you are less of a person. People who behave this way have an extremely difficult time admitting that they are wrong, and rarely apologize for any wrongdoing.
1 Cor. 13:5 says, “Love does not insist on its own way”. Someone who insists on their own way is more interested in their pride than in loving someone else. I know I am definitely guilty of this! It’s so easy to choose pride over love!
A confident person can admit when they are wrong, even in the small things, without losing their sense of self-worth. They would rather have harmony in a relationship than insist on their own way.
2. Don’t yell at each other
Have you ever noticed that when people start yelling, they stop thinking? There’s really no content in what they are saying, it’s just an emotional rant.
Things can be said in a calm tone, even when you’re upset. If yelling starts, it’s better to agree to walk away for a short time, and come back together when people have had a chance to cool off, pray, and think through what they are trying to communicate. This is completely appropriate. What isn’t appropriate is walking off in a rage and slamming the door behind you, or driving off with squealing tires.
3. Don’t argue in front of the kids
Children are particularly vulnerable to emotional trauma when they hear, see, or are involved in arguments between their parents. A child’s parents and their home are their whole world. When their world is thrown into chaos, it is extremely traumatizing to them. Their soft place to fall is snatched away, and it feels like their whole support system has fallen apart.
When children are involved in or are exposed to conflict between their parents, they have an odd reaction. They tend to rationalize that it’s their fault that their parents are upset: because they were being naughty, fussy, or arguing (it doesn’t have to be an accurate reason… they will come up with one!) Not only that, but they are helpless to figure out a way to fix the situation, and yet they will feel responsible to do so.
Many people have asked, “How will kids know how to handle a disagreement if they never see their parents work through one?” I want to make sure to clarify that there is a big difference between disagreements and arguments. A couple can disagree in front of the kids when it’s not related to a parenting issue without causing emotional trauma. However, an argument involves strong emotions and hurt feelings, and this is not something that should be put on display in front of children. Make it your policy to go into a separate room when discussing conflicts or put off conversations until after the children are in bed if you can’t have a private conversation during the day.
4. Don’t call names, attack a person’s character, or insult them
I have heard so many people excuse their hurtful words by justifying that it was said in the heat of the moment. Now, stop and think for a moment, and I bet you can quickly recall several comments that deeply hurt you. I sure can! Words cut like nothing else, and once they are uttered, they cannot be unheard. Don’t use your words to injure. Use them to heal the relationship and to bring harmony to it.
5. Never put your hands on each other in anger
No matter how upset you are, having a verbal argument is never a legitimate excuse to physically hurt someone else. If it’s that heated, you just need to walk away for the time being. There will be no peaceful resolutions when things are that heated.
Girls, slapping a guy across the face when he says something rude is often portrayed in movies. However, unless a guy is forcing himself on you physically, you should never do that in real life. (If he is forcing himself on you, you should do a whole lot more than slap!) That kind of behavior is beneath you. If it’s not okay for a guy to do it, why should it be okay for a girl? Don’t have a double standard for your own behavior. The law certainly won’t.
6. Don’t Throw Stuff
Okay, that’s mature! Now you have another mess to clean up, and you’ve wrecked your favorite dishes. What does that solve, anyway?
7. Don’t interrupt or talk over the other person
When you interrupt someone, the message you send is, “I don’t care what you have to say. My thoughts are more important than yours.” When a person does this, it frustrates the other person, and causes them to feel disrespected.
When you interrupt, not only do you get an incomplete idea of what the person was in the middle of saying, but you arrogantly assume that you know exactly what they were going to say too. I don’t know about you, but my mind reading powers are shaky at best! Prov. 18: 13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Always give the person the courtesy of time to formulate their thoughts and words without them feeling like the second they pause, you are going to jump right in. Some people need extra time to process and respond, and you need to give that to them.
When you respond the second they finish speaking, it shows that you were thinking about what you were going to say and not actually listening. Make it your goal to “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” James 1:19.
8. Don’t refuse to talk when you’re angry by giving the silent treatment
Always be sure to work things out in a timely manner. Eph. 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” It’s so important not to let hurts pile up between two people, but to deal with the small issues that come up quickly. I call this “keeping short accounts”, and it’s important in all relationships, not just romantic ones.
Harboring bitterness and resentment not only affects your relationships, but poisons your own spirit. By talking about and resolving small issues as they come up, you won’t have a backlog of repeated offences that you are constantly resentful of.
If someone offends you, and you don’t tell them that it bothers you, then it’s your fault if they do it again. People can’t read your mind, and it doesn’t matter how much you think someone “should” know not to do this or that. Everyone approaches situations differently, and just because the person does things differently than you would expect, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are rude or inconsiderate.
This doesn’t give you the right to nitpick and nag over every character flaw someone has. No one is perfect, so we need to give grace to others. However, if a behavior is causing strife in your relationship, it needs to be addressed before resentment and bitterness have a chance to creep into your heart.
Dr. Phil often says that you have to teach people how to treat you, and it is so true. If you tell people what you like and don’t like, and are sure to talk it out when any expectations are violated, you will probably avoid a lot of the big issues altogether.
9. Don’t bring up irrelevant past arguments or offences as ammunition to injure the other person
1 Cor. 13:5 says that love does not keep a record of wrongs. When we are angry, it can be very tempting to bring up offences that have already been resolved and apologized for. This is a behavior that causes a lot of damage in relationships. People will feel that no matter how many times they make amends or apologize for their wrongdoing, it is going to be held against them.
You may win the argument by using this tactic, but you’re throwing away harmony, peace, and intimacy in the relationship by doing so.
10. Don’t threaten divorce or break-up
Threatening to end the relationship is a form of emotional manipulation when used as a means to win an argument. It may end the conversation for the moment because the other person is afraid to say anything, but it will leave the underlying issue unresolved.
Now, there are legitimate reasons to leave a relationship, but if you’re going to break-up, just break-up. Don’t use the threat of it to manipulate a person into doing what you want.
Once you are married, however, threatening divorce as a means to win an argument should be off the table. There may be valid reasons to talk to a counsellor about whether or not you should separate or divorce, such as in cases of abuse or infidelity, but it’s not ammunition to be used as a means to win an argument. In your vows, you said “Til death do us part.” Take those vows seriously! (No, I don’t mean to kill ‘em when you’re mad!) If you are going to marry someone, know that it is for life. Don’t have a back-up plan that you can leave when things get rocky.
This is why it’s so important that you to know before you say the vows that you can live with any personality flaws that your future spouse may have. If something they do drives you crazy and you can’t stand it, then don’t. Move on.
In marriage, no matter how well matched you may be, you will go through hard times, but you never give up. You dig in and work through it. You don’t sweep it under the rug and ignore the problem; you do what it takes to fix it. If that means counselling, then find someone you trust. If that means working through one agonizing problem after another, you do it.
My husband’s uncle, Rev. Terry Kennedy, gave us the best advice when giving us premarital counselling. He said, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water and fertilize it.” Don’t be looking for an out. Be all in.
References:
- “Song of Solomon, The Art of Conflict” lesson by Tommy Nelson