How to Get What You Want Without Nagging

Marriage can be extremely frustrating.  There’s an undone project that you’re walking past day after day, and it seems like no matter how many times you nag your husband to get it done, he just… doesn’t!  If this is something that you are frustrated with, you’re in the right place! 

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard women say the phrase, “I can’t get him to (fill in a task).”  Here’s my list of 9 reasons why guys push back when we nag them to do chores, and what we can do to avoid that dynamic.

1. We disrespect them

The number one thing that a guy needs in any relationship is to feel respected.  This is what respect means to a guy: to admire him deeply, as a result of his abilities, qualities, or achievements, and for his feelings, preferences, and desires to be valued. 

Many times, when we ask our guy to do something, there is an underlying connotation that he has somehow failed or disappointed you by not doing that particular chore already.  That may not be the intent behind your words, but if you ask your guy, he may tell you that it feels like it is implied that he has let you down.

“Don’t act like your husband is late in doing something the very first time you ask him.”

~ Timothy King (my husband)

I always try to turn situations around and look at them from the opposite point-of-view.  For instance, if your husband came up to you and said, “Gee babe, the refrigerator is getting pretty empty.  Why haven’t you gone shopping already?”  Wouldn’t this kind of a statement make you bristle?  I’m sure you have eyes, and can see that the fridge is getting bare, and simply haven’t had a good opportunity to go shopping, right? 

Yet, how often do we find ourselves saying, “The grass is getting pretty long, honey.  When were you going to cut it?”  Implied in that statement is a disappointment that the person hasn’t done their job, and that they should have.  This makes the guy feel disrespected, and you can be sure that he will either feel resentful or humiliated as a result. 

2. We complain instead of asking sweetly

This is something that my husband has had to correct me on several times.  I would make a complaint statement, and would expect him to draw a conclusion from that statement such as, “This box is so heavy! I can’t get it!” 

We act like we’re entitled to their help instead of having an attitude that says, “I would love it if you would help me with this!”  Instead, I should have said, “Honey, would you mind carrying this box inside for me when you have a minute?  It’s a bit heavy for me.”  Can you hear the difference?  One is asking politely for a favor, without any expectation that he has to drop everything that second, and the other is a complaint with an implied expectation. 

3. We criticize their efforts

When we go back over our husband’s work with a critical eye, we are acting like his mother, making sure that he did the chore to our satisfaction.  Talk about a romance killer!  No guy is going to have romantic feelings for his mom!  This is what guys think when women do this, “Why should I do chores if she’s never happy with what I do, and is either going to lecture me or re-do the job herself!  How insulting!  I may as well not do it if I’m just going to be demoralized afterwards!”

Remedy:   Find something to admire, even if it’s not perfect, and praise him for that. You can be sure that he’ll be a lot more willing to help you out the next time if he isn’t expecting an insult but is anticipating praise instead.  You’re not his teacher. Don’t grade his paper.

4. We tell them to do it our way

Everyone finds ways of doing things more efficiently when they are working at a particular job for any amount of time.  It takes time to get the hang of things.  If you went to your husband’s work, you would be terribly inefficient for a long time until you found your groove.  Likewise, you can’t expect your husband to come home from his job and step into your job and do it perfectly either. 

There are many ways to do things, and just because you have found an efficient way to do something, that doesn’t mean that his way is “wrong”.  I have heard it said that one of the most common arguments is over which way to load the dishwasher.  Really?!?  What’s more important?  Unity in a relationship or schooling your spouse so that you can feel superior?  If he does it differently, so what… let him.  If he looks frustrated and asks for guidance, then you can tell him, but tell him in a humble way that won’t demean his efforts.  It probably took you a little bit of time to figure out your method too.

5. We don’t consider his schedule or energy level when we ask

Don’t put pressure on him to do something on your timeline.  He’s got his own agenda, and you would hate it if he did that to you too.  If it really is time sensitive, be sure to convey that, and ask him in a way that shows gratitude and an attitude that says, “Thanks for doing me such a huge favor!  Sorry to have to inconvenience you!”  Isn’t that how you would ask a friend?  Why should your husband receive less consideration?

Make sure that if it isn’t a time sensitive issue that you don’t be demanding about it being done that very second.  Instead, say something like, “Hey honey, could I trouble you to do this for me at some point?  That would mean a lot to me!” 

6. The heart of the matter is the heart

In the book “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman discusses how “Acts of Service” is one of the main ways that people express love for one another.  Men tend to express this language a lot.  For instance, many men will be more apt to help a guy friend on a project than to go hang out with them for a movie night.  Doing a physical chore to help their close friends out is their way of showing their buddies that they really care. 

The same thing is true in marriage: men do things for you out of love, and it has to come from their heart.

Acts of love have to be inspired, not required.

If you are nagging, guilting, or cajoling them, their heart will simply not be in it. 

People are like mirrors… they reflect what they are given.  If you are loving on him, he will be inspired to love on you.  If you are unkind to him, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t do the very thing that you want him to do, simply because you want him to do it.  Would you want to make him a fabulous supper after he was a jerk to you?  Nuh uh… he can heat up a frozen burrito for all you care!

7. The division of labor hasn’t been discussed

Every family has different dynamics, so how the labor is divided up will look differently in each family.  It will also shift many times as your situations shift.  For instance, my husband and I used to have a great system for laundry: he would put it though the washer and dryer (which he didn’t mind) and I would fold it and put it away (which I didn’t mind). 

However, he had a season where he was extra busy because he was earning his master’s degree.  After a little while, I realized that he was struggling with his part of the chore, so I told him that I was going to give him the gift of taking it over.  He was super appreciative, and it helped him not to feel so stressed.  Likewise, when I was pregnant and feeling sick all of the time, he stepped up and did a lot of the cooking.  I was super appreciative and didn’t feel quite so stressed too! 

If you have never had a conversation about what each person feels like a fair division of labor should look like in your home, then take some time to write down all of the chores that need to be done regularly and each person can volunteer for the ones that think that they can manage. 

Make sure that you take into account everything though, not just the traditional chores: working outside of the home, car maintenance, childcare, yard work, making meals, driving the kids to events, pet care, household repairs, etc. Don’t make any assumptions about which chores are “man’s chores” and which chores are “women’s chores”.  You might be surprised which chores your spouse absolutely hates that you don’t mind so much, like paying the bills perhaps.  Don’t be afraid to switch things up too!  If you hate it, you can always reevaluate. 

Of course, there are always going to be jobs that no one likes, and maybe you should share those.  For instance, my husband was surprised that I assumed that it was his job to take out the garbage.  One day, he said to me, “Why do I get the feeling that you’re always saving taking the garbage out for me to do?”  I balked and admitted that the reason was because my dad always took out the garbage.  After that, I started taking it out more, and he really appreciated it.  It’s more of a 50/50 job now. 

Also, if your husband has a particular job that is frequently not getting done, it may be that you simply need to call in reinforcements.  Ask him if it would be a gift to him if you hired out those responsibilities.  He may be the type of person who would rather work extra hours at his job so that he doesn’t have to: change the oil in the car, do house repairs, complete home improvement projects, or do the yardwork.  If that’s the case, then it’s better to hire it out than to have him constantly feeling like he has a to do list hanging over his head and a wife who is resentful toward him for neglecting the projects. 

8. Men think differently

I have heard an analogy that I thought was great.  If you compare how men and women think to a computer screen, women tend to have a bunch of windows up all at once.  This can be a positive in many cases and makes women able to multi-task better.  However, sometimes we want to focus on one window but can’t because another window keeps popping back up in our minds.   Sometimes thoughts will pop up and take over our screens, and we can’t look past them until it’s dealt with.  For me, kids bickering is one of those things.  When I hear bickering, I can’t focus on or deal with any other thing until the issue is resolved. 

Men on the other hand can really only have one window up at a time.  They can be solely focused on that one window and tune out other windows that are going on around them.  Sometimes, being forced to switch screens when they weren’t planning on it is frustrating.  They can and absolutely do minimize windows and can be not thinking about them, even though they are unresolved. 

Sometimes men have minimized a project for a particular reason, and they haven’t simply forgotten it.  Although it may be frustrating to you, try to trust that he has a lot of windows and will get to it when he can.  It might just not be as high of a priority for him as it is for you.  Or he may have a different reason altogether for why it’s not getting the project done, such as he’s intimidated by the project and hasn’t figured out a way to accomplish it. 

This fall, I mentioned to my husband that I noticed that the grass was a little longer than usual (he’s usually very faithful to mow it on a timely basis), so I asked if there was a particular reason why he was letting it grow longer, or if he had been so busy that he couldn’t get to it.  He replied that he had planted grass and wanted to give it a chance to gain traction before cutting it.  He also had learned that it was healthier for the grass to be a little longer over the winter.  He had a good reason for it, I just didn’t know what it was.  He was very appreciative that when I asked the question, it wasn’t with a judgmental attitude, but was simply wondering what his plan was, knowing that he had a reason behind his actions. 

9. We ask them to do stuff ALL THE TIME!

When I was a young mother, my first child treated me like she had a list of things for me to do for her, and before I had even finished the last thing, she was telling me to do the next item.  This is typical for first children to have this type of attitude, and we worked hard to train this attitude away.  Today, she is a wonderful young lady who is a hard worker, considerate, and extremely helpful around the house!  That being said, I’m sure many of you mothers know how frustrating it is to be ordered around by your kids. 

This is how our husbands feel when we are constantly on their backs about what we need them to do for us.  Not only do they have their day job, but they probably have so many home projects that it would take them weeks to accomplish them, even if they didn’t have a day job. You can imagine how a guy would not be excited to come home if he feels that his wife has a scowl and a “Honey Do” list waiting for him.

Instead, make your requests few and far between.  The less you ask, the more they will be self-starters.  They can see how long the grass is, just like you can see when the groceries are getting low.  Sometimes it’s just not a convenient time for them.  If the grass grows a further quarter of an inch, no one is going to die!

Please note that I totally get that lazy people, both men and women, absolutely exist.  All I can say is, if you have to nag him all the time, that’s miserable for both of you, and probably not effective anyway.  Try this method for a good long time, and see what happens.  What could it hurt?