I wrote this article which Benjamin Gladden published in his Parenting Column in the Winchester Patch. He has given me permission to share it here, as we thought you would enjoy it!
Introduction:
~by Benjamin Gladden
Our family has struggled with bedtime over the last couple of years. A few months ago, I witnessed an amazing feat – a young mother put her three children (ages 8, 6, and 3) to bed with NO fussing, screaming, or arguments! So, I asked her what kind of magic powder she used and where I could get some. She confessed that it wasn’t magic, but just plain, old-fashioned parenting. I was skeptical, so I asked her to pass along her secrets. She did. I tried them. It worked! I asked her to write this week’s column so that others might benefit too! Here it is!
The Drama Begins:
“My tummy hurts! I’m not tired yet! I need a drink of water! I have to use the bathroom! I can’t fall asleep!” We’ve all heard the many stalling tactics that our children use during the most dreaded time of the day… BEDTIME! Here are some of my sneaky tricks to get kids in bed – and keep them there!
Have a Routine:
Children, like most of us, are creatures of habit, and they thrive off of it. Routines are helpful because children like to know what is expected of them, so that they can mentally prepare for it. When you tell them every night at 7:15 that it’s time to go brush their teeth, wash their face, and use the bathroom, then there’s no need for angst. It’s just “same old, same old”.
However, kids can get used to bad routines too. Do you have a child who acts like it’s the first time they’ve ever been told to go to bed? It’s as if they haven’t gone to bed every night of their life, right? Then you probably have a kiddo who has learned to pitch a fit to get what he wants. If they are used to being able to call you every few minutes until you give up, crawl into bed with them, and tickle their back until they fall asleep, then they will do that every time.
It’s very important to teach children that it’s not your job to get them to fall asleep. By the time they are 2, they should be able to climb into their bed and fall asleep without having to be coddled by Mommy or Daddy. If you want to snuggle them in their bed occasionally, that’s totally fine. It only becomes a problem if they learn to rely upon you to fall asleep. You have essentially become their security blanket, and will be upset if you aren’t home to snuggle them or if they wake up in the night, and you’re not there. They have never learned to self-soothe, something that is a very important life skill. Having Mommy or Daddy stay with them until they fall asleep every night is just not sustainable, and is unhealthy for the parent’s relationship too. I don’t know about you, but I desperately need that precious hour or two after the kids are all in bed, when my husband and I can be alone before we need to go to bed ourselves. I need to have wind down time too!
You should know that having a bedtime routine can only accomplish so much. No amount of tips or tricks will correct bad behavior at night when it’s been going on all day, every day. Having healthy household rules and consistent consequences for rule breaking is the only way to have children learn that they must obey their parents… or else. I love the quote from Teddy Roosevelt, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Without consistent discipline, children will learn that they can get away with disobeying you. Think about it this way. If you ate only candy and never had any health issues, would you stop? I can answer honestly for myself that I would happily eat candy all day, every day if I could get away with it. Kids are no different.
Because every family functions differently, your family’s bedtime routine will probably look slightly different than mine. The important thing is to establish what works for your family, and stick to it. Yes, there will be exceptions, but the more consistent you are, the easier it will be.
Dinner Time
We try to have supper on the table between 5:30-6:00 p.m. regardless of whether Daddy is home from work yet. His schedule can be unpredictable, so it’s best not to schedule the family routine around him. Our youngest children are in bed by 7:30, so if they are done eating by 6:15, then it we will have plenty of time to fit our bedtime routine in.
One of the little hints that I’ve learned over the years is that procrastination is the enemy of peace. Trying to hurry children is like trying to herd cats. You basically just start yelling at them to move faster, and the louder you yell, the slower they move. It’s no fun for anyone. Whether you’re getting them out the door for church or putting them to bed, budget an appropriate amount of time to get the task done. You’ll be less frustrated, and they’ll be less stressed.
Bath Time
After dinner, it’s off to the bathtub. My kids often struggle with dawdling at this point. I gently remind them, “If you don’t get washed up quickly enough, I’m not going to have enough time to read you a story tonight. That’s too bad. I was looking forward to finding out if Charlie finds the Golden Ticket in his chocolate bar!” Rather than punishing, this gentle guiding seems to work. However, don’t threaten anything that you’re not willing to follow through on. Kids have a sixth sense for knowing when parents are bluffing.
After baths, they get straight into their jammies. This keeps them from running back outside to play in the yard or get into anything messy right before bed. Okay… it usually keeps that from happening.
Brush Teeth
After they are bathed and jammied, it’s time to brush teeth. I usually try to avoid snacks after this point, not only to keep them from having to brush their teeth again, but also because it’s really only been about 30-45 minutes since they ate their supper. If needed, a cup of milk and a few crackers during story time will do to curb any hunger pains and hold them off until morning. Anything beyond that is probably unnecessary, and is most likely a stalling tactic that is deployed in order to delay bedtime.
Read a Book or Sing a Song
Story time, in many homes, can be hit or miss. Some kids just can’t sit still for it, or will talk over the story. If that’s the case, then don’t stress. Move on to tuck in time, and sing them a song instead.
Tuck-in Time
Next, it’s hugs, kisses, nosy-nosies, prayers, and lights out! We have a small CD player in each bedroom, and let them listen to some quiet classical music, lullabies, or books on CD. This helps them to drift off, and takes the sting from the lights being turned off and from being left alone. Another little hint that I have, is to give them a stuffed animal that lights up. They are cozy, fun, and make the room much less scary when then have their own little buddy to light up the room (make sure it has a timer to turn it off after a little while, though.) I also put on a fan in the room, so that any background noises don’t disturb them. The white noise is especially helpful for the younger ones who go to bed a few minutes before the older ones.
Before you leave the room, make sure that everything is all set: sippies have water, buddies and blankies are accounted for, nightlight is plugged in, the fan is turned on, and their story is playing. That way they don’t have any legitimate excuses for calling you back or to get out of bed. If they do get out of bed, it needs to be for a good reason – and there are only a few of those. I allow one trip to the bathroom, and then say, “If I see you out of bed again, you will lose ___.” Taking away something that is a privilege such as turning off their CD or a taking away a favorite buddy or blankie can be very effective. It doesn’t take many nights for them to learn that they don’t get what they want by getting out of bed.
I would encourage you to establish your routine, and do it consistently for two weeks. If you do, I would not be surprised one bit to hear that your bedtime battles have ended for good.