Arguments are a natural part of any relationship. No matter how loving the relationship is, there will always be times when we offend one another. What sets the great relationships apart from the ones that fall apart is how they deal with the inevitable conflicts when they happen.
One of the questions that I have been asked several times is: “Is it okay if my spouse and I argue in front of the kids? How will they learn to resolve conflict in their relationships if they never see it modeled?” In this article, I’ll discuss the first question, and the second question I will answer in my article, “How to Teach Your Kids to Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way”.
I always find it important to define terms when answering questions. In this case, I think it’s important to understand the difference between an argument and a disagreement. Generally, I would say that an argument involves hurt feelings and strong emotions, whereas a disagreement is simply a difference in opinion (my definition, not Webster’s).
My husband and I can disagree about which color couch we are picking out, and talk it out in front of our children without any problems. However, if we discuss why I am so mad because he said something thoughtless and hurt my feelings, that would be something that would be inappropriate to discuss in front of the kids. I would also add that it’s important to discuss disagreements that involve the children away from their hearing as well.
Here are a few reasons why arguing in front of kids is problematic (some of these come from Dr. Phil):
1. They feel like their soft place to fall is thrown into chaos:
When children are placed in a highly charged emotional situation, they will feel like their foundation is suddenly shaky instead of secure. They may even wonder if their parents still love each other and if they are going to get a divorce. It’s a scary place to be as a helpless child.
2. They will justify why it’s their fault:
Children are apt to blame themselves for the conflict by thinking things like, “I bet Mom and Dad wouldn’t be arguing about money if I hadn’t asked for those new sneakers the other day.”
3. They feel like they should help fix the situation:
What a helpless feeling for a child to attempt to solve a problem that has his parents are struggling to solve! Children should never be put in a position where they have to try to deal with adult problems.
4. They decide who they think is right, and side with that person:
Although it feels nice to have others be on our side, do you really want to pit your kids against your spouse? Unless it’s an abusive relationship, I’m sure you would want your children to have a good relationship with both of their parents. You can be sure that they will feel the loss keenly if their relationship with one of their parents is damaged or severed.
I’m sure that none of us as parents want to cause trauma to our children, we just don’t realize that’s what we’re doing when we argue in front of them. We get caught up in the heat of the moment and want to confront the situation RIGHT NOW! It’s understandable, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive to change it.
Here are the rules that my husband and I have agreed upon to help keep us from hashing out an argument in front of the kids. Please note that we are not perfect people who never make mistakes. These rules are simply a standard that we try our best to live up to.
1. Don’t correct your spouse in front of the kids:
You are teaching your kids how to treat your spouse. If you are disrespectful and rude to them, they will be too. Watch out! If it’s acceptable for them to treat your spouse that way, what makes you think they won’t treat you that way too?
2. Discuss arguments in private:
Wait until the kids are in bed, step outside for a few minutes, or simply go into a private room before discussing the issue.
3. Don’t speak negatively about your spouse behind their backs:
Again, however you treat your spouse is how you can expect to be treated yourself. If you wouldn’t appreciate being treated that way, then don’t model that behavior for your kids. They absolutely will copy you.
4. Don’t contradict each other in front of the kids:
Be sure to have frequent communication with your spouse about the household rules, family plans, or simply how you want to function as a family. Kids will take any opportunity they can to divide and conquer when they see that you are not united on an issue.
There may be times when you haven’t had a chance to discuss something, and your spouse disagrees with the call that was made. When this happens, take time to pull your spouse to the side and discuss the issue. If you decide to change the call that was made, be sure to allow the person who is conceding to save face by telling the kids, “We took some time to discuss the issue, and we have changed our minds. This is what we are going to do moving forward.”
Click here to read my follow-up article on “How to Teach Your Kids to Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way”.