Dating: How to Be Successful and Not Waste Your Time

When you think of the term “dating” you probably imagine a couple going out to dinner at a nice restaurant, then to see a movie in a darkened theater, followed by a kiss goodnight at the girl’s front door at the end of the evening.  Sounds pretty normal for our culture, right? 

This is how I think the term “dating” should be defined:

Dating is the process by which two people evaluate the other to determine if they might be good future mates.

The first scenario is about entertainment and is activity based, whereas the second is an attitude.

Being intentional and moral about how you approach dating is key to your success. Dating intentionally means that you always keep in mind that the ultimate goal is to find a spouse who is a great match for you.  Dating morally means that you don’t use your date’s body for your entertainment or lead them on just because you like their attention. Physical affection is a gift that should not be given until it is has been well earned.  That means that sex is not “earned” until the couple has made vows to be committed to one another “till death do us part.”  Having sex before that creates a premature bond with that person, causing them to no longer be objective when evaluating whether or not the person is a good match for them. 

Step 1: Getting to Know Them

My grandmother once said, “Teens are so eager to start dating, but what they don’t realize is that they probably already are!”  What she meant is this: Dating starts at your church’s youth group, at high school football games, when you’re sitting in the cafeteria chatting over lunch, and when you’re hanging out with friends at someone’s house. 

You’re getting to know the people around you, asking them questions about themselves, and are seeing how they interact with others.  This is how you discover if they share the same interests, morals, and standards of behavior as you do.  When you’re not one-on-one with someone, they are much more likely to be a truer version of themselves, rather than when they are on a date, in their best clothes, trying to use their best manners.  I love this first phase of dating, because it’s easy, fun, comfortable, and casual.  No fuss, no mess.

Step 2: The Group Dating Phase:

Once you see that you get along well in a large group, the next step would be a group date.  Grab a couple of friends and go bowling, roller skating, rock wall climbing, hiking, or laser tag.  Whatever you choose, it should reflect who you are and what you enjoy.  The possibilities are only limited by your imagination, so be creative!  Make sure that whatever activity you choose, you’re not just having fun, but are making a point to really get to know the person.  Dates where you’re sitting and being entertained, like going to the movies, are not helpful when it comes to getting to know the person, so don’t have that be your default date; instead, keep it as a “once in a while” date.

Step 3: The “Seeing Someone” Phase:

The “Seeing Someone” phase is the “make it or break it” phase.  This is the stage where you’re going out on dates with the person, but you haven’t made the relationship “official” yet.  This stage tended to last a few weeks for me before we would either move into the “Exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend stage, or we would figure out that the relationship was really not worth pursuing.  How long this stage lasts will probably vary depending upon how intentional the couple is about getting to know one another.  Keeping it uncommitted and casual during that time frame helps there not to be as much heartbreak if it doesn’t work out.  If you haven’t started calling each other “boyfriend and girlfriend” yet, there won’t be so much of status change if it ends.

During this stage, I would not recommend letting things get more physical than hand holding.  In my opinion, a guy hasn’t earned a girl’s kisses until he, at the very least, has committed to dating her exclusively.  Affection, both physical and emotional, is something that is earned.

Step 4: The “Exclusive” Phase:

Being “exclusive” means that the couple commits to going out on dates with only each other and no one else.  Often times, the line between “seeing someone” and becoming “exclusive” can be a bit blurry.  However, at some point, a couple will want to make it official, and start referring to the other person as their boyfriend or girlfriend. Couples can date for months or even years before they decide whether or not they want to marry each other. Be sure to do your best to be objective and constantly evaluate the relationship. Couples should take the phrase “Til death do us part” seriously.

“Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” ~ Dr. James C. Dobson

I hope this new way of approaching dating is as helpful to you as it was to me!  I pray that the Lord would give you wisdom and richly bless your dating years.